I love that couples are taking a much more active role in their wedding ceremony’s creation – and part of this is the trend of having a friend ordained or solemnized for the day so they can legally officiate at your wedding. I am off two minds here, so I thought I’d let you all know the PROS and CONS of having a friend officiate, in my professional opinion.
The wedding that really kicked this trend off... Monica + Chandler get married by their friend Joey on 'Friends'
Now, for this post, I’m going to make the following assumptions about the friend you’re asking to officiate:
They’ve never written a ceremony before.
They’ve never officiated at a ceremony before.
They’ve been to an average amount of weddings in their life.
They are a good public speaker.
PRO: You’re not having a stranger standing up there on the most important part of your life.
CON: Your friend has never done a wedding before, and may get nervous, or, because they are a part of your life, may get over emotional.
PRO: You can work closely with them to write your ceremony, or even write it yourself.
CON: Writing your ceremony is a lot of work. It’s sometimes hard when you have a friend officiate to figure out who is going to write the ceremony… if the bride and groom write it, the officiant may feel like they are simply reading from a script because it’s not their words (especially hard for non-pros). If the officiant writes it, it may not be as strong a ceremony as a pro-officiant could write, and may not have as much personal relevance as if the bride and groom wrote it.
PRO: It’s a great way to involve someone else in the wedding.
CON: As with many DIY projects (and, yes, having a friend officiate is a DIY project in my book), a great deal of responsibility can fall on the bride and groom during the wedding itself. A friend officiant may not insist on being mic or be able to provide a PA system if the DJ or venue can’t… a friend officiant probably won’t know how to run a rehearsal, which can lead to this falling on the bride or groom… a friend officiant may not double check to see if the rings and other props for the ceremony are in place and have a back up for them, just in case.
PRO: It’s comforting to have a friend up there, and great to be able to share this important moment with someone who is a part of your life.
CON: It’s sometimes hard to figure out where the line of “friend” and “officiant” begin and end. Make sure you communicate with your DIY officiant about what you want and expect from them. Will they be writing the ceremony? Should they bring a copy of the ceremony with them? Do you want them to bring your vows and the readings? Who will set up the props before the ceremony? Who will run the rehearsal? Are they expecting any kind of compensation or payment? Are you paying for their travel expenses and hotel room? What are they going to wear?
My favorite friend ordained TV wedding! Lily + Marshall, solemnized by their friend Barney on 'How I Met Your Mother'
PRO: The bride and groom are from mixed religious backgrounds, or don’t have religious beliefs, and did not want someone from a church solemnizing their marriage.
CON: There are non-religious professional officiants / Celebrants out there
PRO: FREE! Or reasonably cheap.
CON: As with many DIY wedding elements, this is big – having a friend officiate not only adds a great personal touch, but it is usually much cheaper than hiring someone to do it. The only CON to this PRO is that, sometimes, you do get what you pay for – make sure you choose your friend-officiant with lots of thought, and clearly define the lines of their role.
PRO: You can get ordained on the internet now! Just click and you can do weddings!
CON: Internet ordainment is not recognized in every state. PLEASE check with your town hall / registrar to make sure that internet ministers ARE legal before you go ahead with a friend doing your wedding. In some states, there are additional requirements that can be circumvented a bit – and in some, it’s as simple as registering with the state. Do your homework to make sure your wedding is legal!
I got into this whole wedding Celebrant business because a friend asked me to officiate at her wedding. I wasn’t a Celebrant then, I was just her wedding obsessed roommate who had witnessed her entire relationship with her husband unfold, from the first day they met to the moment they broke the glass at their wedding. It was a huge honor, but a HUGE undertaking, and I want to make sure that couple who ask their friends to officiate understand what a large part of the wedding this is, and how much work it can really be.
The ‘Friends’ wedding is actually a good example… how would you feel if your friend-officiant showed up in a vintage military uniform and opened your wedding ceremony with this?
Joey: Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, but you won’t be, Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows.
