A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value — you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours… you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. (More – From the Towel Day FAQ)

But what does this have to do with weddings?  Well, I recently officiated at a wedding that used a great excerpt from Adam’s book So Long and Thanks for All the Fish – and it is a surprisingly appropriate and fun wedding reading!

For Arthur, who could usually contrive to feel self-conscious if left alone for long enough with a Swiss cheese plant, the moment was one of sustained revelation. He felt on the sudden like a cramped and zoo-born animal who wakes one morning to find the door to his cage hanging quietly open and the savanna stretching gray and pink to the distant rising sun, while all around new sounds are waking.

He wondered what the new sounds were as he gazed at her openly wondering face and her eyes that smiled with a shared surprise.

He hadn’t realized that life speaks with a voice to you, a voice that brings you answers to the questions you continually ask of it, had never consciously detected it or recognized its tones until it now said something it had never said to him before, which was “yes.”

Thanks for sharing your beautiful photos with me, Rachel and Jeff!
They also had a sand ceremony, and a Wine and Love Letter ritual (which was introduced with a Terry Pratchett reading!)

Finding readings the fit and work well for the couple is one of my favorite challenges in creating unique wedding ceremonies… maybe a reading from Douglas Adams is right for you?

My own nod to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on our wedding day – a Don’t Panic cake topper!

Check out my New Jersey wedding officiant listing on Thumbtack!

Consider having her walk you down the aisle. I love when my couples include their moms in the processional.  Walking in with your mom, or with both parents, is a sweet and simple way to acknowledge and honor.  And it’s not just for the bride – why not have the groom walk in with his mom, perhaps heading up the processional, instead of just “appearing” at the front with the Celebrant?

You could feel their love when Maryann walked down the aisle with her mom at her wedding at the Madison Hotel. (Photo courtesy of Kamilla Harris)

My husband walked down the aisle with his mom and grandma.  (Photo Courtesy of Sarah Schulte)

Include them with a ritual, or special reading. Many couples choose to include their moms with a unity candle, sand ceremony, or handfasting.  They can light the taper, pour the first layer of sand, or tie your hands.

Sarah and John’s moms came up to present their wedding rings, taking a moment to warm them in their hands, and add their own love and blessings for their children, as they were married. (Photo Courtesy of Cindy Patrick)

Blake and Jason, married at Merri-Maker’s At Water’s Edge in Sea Bright, NJ, had their parents join them at the front, for a moment, to say special vows of support.

Janice and Allen had their parents present flower garlands to their new son- and daughter-in-law, which the couple then presented to their partner, as a symbolic way of showing the unique beauty and power of their love and commitment.

One of my favorite wedding rituals is a Flower Presentation, where you give your mom a rose, flower, or small bouquet, in honor of the love and support they have offered to you.  It’s a sweet way to recognize moms!

My husband and I presented our moms with nosegays during our wedding ceremony (Photo Courtesy of Sarah Schulte).

And, if your mom is no longer with us, we can, of course, honor your continued love for her in the ceremony as well.  Placing a special flower or token on the chair that would have been hers in the first row, during the processional or during the ceremony, including a special item that reminds you of her in the bouquet or pinned to your dress, or lighting a candle in remembrance are all sweet rituals to include.

Lisa and Quinn released butterflies in honor of Lisa’s mom, who is no longer with us.

Including words, an anecdote or story, or just the mention of how much you love your mom into the text of the wedding ceremony is another simple way to let your mom know, on your special day, just how important she is to you!

“Marriage is a promise that you make to that other person, a promise to stay in love with them forever, to be related forever, and that you’ll always be together.” – Dan Savage

Honoring marriage equality was really important to me while my husband, Dan, and I were working with our celebrant to put together our wedding ceremony.

Photo courtesy of Sarah Schulte Photography

We began by tying White Knots on our personal flowers – mine on my bouquet, and his on his boutonniere. The White Knot is a symbol of support for marriage equality – a statement that everyone should be able to legally “tie the knot.”

How did we work with our celebrant, April Beer, to include a reading and re-interpret a Jewish tradition to further incorporate marriage equality? Head over to So You’re EnGAYged to find out!

How adorable are the little dinosaurs?

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

“I like this Dinosaur,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever, though I will not tell him this for now.”

“I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.”

“But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?”

“But her mind skips from here to there so quickly,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?”

“I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.”

“I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping,” thought the Dinosaur. “For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.”

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place

Readings are a great way to incorporate a ceremonial feeling into a non-religious or spiritual wedding ceremony, and are especially helpful if you’re writing your own wedding ceremony, as a way to guide and shape the overall tone of your ceremony.  Have I missed one?  What’s your favorite wedding reading?  Don’t be afraid to use your wedding officiant to help you find the perfect wedding reading for you!

Any of these can be edited down a little, if you feel they are too long, and can also be incorporated in certain places of the wedding ceremony as well, like the closing remarks or before the vows, Let me know if you’d like to use any of them!

From Union by Robert Fulghum
You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.
The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you shall say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same.

For after today you shall say to the world –
This is my husband. This is my wife.

From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
Love one another
But make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
Between the shores of your souls
Fill each other’s cup
But drink not from the same cup
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of the lute are alone
Though they quiver with the same music
Give your hearts
But not into each other’s keeping
For only the hand of life
Can contain your hearts
And stand together
Yet not too near together
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress
Grow not in each other’s shadow.

From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. It is having roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from the branches, you will find that you are but one tree, not two.

from The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the “little” things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say, ”I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values, and common objectives.
It is standing together and facing the world.
It is forming a circle that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation, and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right person — it is being the right partner.

The Confirmation by Edwin Muir
Yes, yours, my love, is the right human face.
In my mind I had waited for this long,
Seeing the false and searching for the true,
Then found you as a traveler finds a place of welcome
suddenly amid the wrong valleys and rocks and twisting roads.
But you, what shall I call you? A fountain in a waste,
A well of water in a country dry,
Or anything that’s honest and good,
an eye that makes the whole world bright.
Your open heart, simple with giving, gives the primal deed,
The first good world, the blossom, the blowing seed,
The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea.
Not beautiful or rare in every part.
But like yourself, as they were meant to be.

From Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

From Plato’s Symposium
Humans have never understood the power of Love, for if they had they would surely have built noble temples and altars and offered solemn sacrifices; but this is not done, and most certainly ought to be done, since Love is our best friend, our helper, and the healer of the ills which prevent us from being happy.

To understand the power of Love, we must understand that our original human nature was not like it is now, but different. Human beings each had two sets of arms, two sets of legs, and two faces looking in opposite directions. Due to the power and might of these original humans, the Gods began to fear that their reign might be threatened. They sought for a way to end the humans’  insolence without destroying them.
It was at this point that Zeus divided the humans in half. After the division the two parts of each desiring their other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one. So ancient is the desire of one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, making one of two, and healing the state of humankind.

Each of us when separated, having one side only, is but the indenture of a person, and we are always looking for our other half. And when one of us meets our other half, we are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment. We pass our whole lives together, desiring that we should be melted into one, to spend our lives as one person instead of two, and so that after our death there will be one departed soul instead of two; this is the very expression of our ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called Love.

From Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness. We pardon to the extent that we love.

Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again. And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves. And even loved in spite of ourselves.

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Falling in love is like owning a dog by Taylor Mali
First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

From The Irrational Season by Madeleine L’Engle
But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. It is indeed a fearful gamble. Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.
To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. It takes a lifetime to learn another person. When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

Love by Roy Croft
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.   I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.  I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple – out of the works of my every day not a reproach but a song. I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good – and more than any fate could have done to make me happy.

You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign – you have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means, after all.

Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close

Tin Wedding Whistle by Ogden Nash
Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.
Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;
Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.
Visitors remark my frown
Where you’re upstairs and I am down,
Yes, and I’m afraid I pout
When I’m indoors and you are out;
But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.
In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it’s with me.
In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.
Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.
When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you’re alive,
And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.
Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.
Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.
Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;
Let none, not even you, disparage
Such valid reason for a marriage.

Notes on Marriage (Made When Deciding Whether or Not to Marry) by Charles Darwin
Not Marry?
Freedom to go where one liked
Choice of society and little of it.
Conversation of clever men at clubs.
Not forced to visit relatives, and to bend to every trifle…
To have the expense and anxiety of children – perhaps quarreling.
Loss of time – cannot read in the evenings.
Fatness and idleness.
Anxiety and responsibility.
Less money for books.
If many children, forced to gain one’s bread (but then it is very bad for one’s health to work too much).
Perhaps my wife won’t like London, then the sentence is banishment and degradation with indolent, idle fool.

Marry?
Children (if it please God)
Constant companion, who will feel interested in one (a friend in old age)
Object to be beloved and played with – better than a dog anyhow
Home, and someone to take care of house
Charms of music and female chit chat – these things good for ones health but terrible loss of time
My God, it is unthinkable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, and nothing after all.
No, no, won’t do.
Imagine living all one’s days solitarily in smoky dirty London House.
Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, and books, and music perhaps – compare this vision with dingy reality.
Marry! Marry! Marry!

Resignation by Nikki Giovanni
I love you
because the earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm
because only my love for you
despite the charms of gravity
keeps me from falling off this Earth
into another dimension
I love you
because it is the natural order of things

I love you
like the habit I picked up in college
of sleeping through lectures
or saying I’m sorry
when I get stopped for speeding
because I drink a glass of water
in the morning
and chain-smoke cigarettes
all through the day
because I take my coffee Black
and my milk with chocolate
because you keep my feet warm
though my life a mess
I love you
because I don’t want it
any other way.

I am helpless
in my love for you
It makes me so happy
to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
locking me in an echo chamber
where your voice reverberates
through the four walls
sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
because it’s been so good
for so long
that if I didn’t love you
I’d have to be born again
and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
is so simple
the thought though of you
sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
because no two snowflakes are alike
and it is possible
if you stand tippy-toe
to walk between the raindrops
I love you
because I am afraid of the dark
and can’t sleep in the light
because I rub my eyes
when I wake up in the morning
and find you there
because you with all your magic powers were
determined that
I should love you
because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
because you made me
want to love you
more than I love my privacy
my freedom   my commitments
and responsibilities
I love you ’cause I changed my life
to love you
because you saw me one friday
afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

The coins, along with the bride’s engagement ring

These coins symbolize the wealth our couple will receive in their life – not just money, but the wealth of love, support, and protection they will provide for each other in their marriage.

May these coins remind you that it is more blessed to give than to receive – when you share your love and your lives with others, your love will only multiple and expand, richening and deepening your lives, your experiences, and your relationship.

They had a friend read Robert Fulgum’s “Union” – one of my favorites.

These beautiful photos are courtesy of Vanessa Joy Photography.

Here are a few of my favorite readings that I’ve compiled, maybe there’s one you’d like to include in your ceremony?

Any of these can be edited down a little, if you feel they are too long, and can also be incorporated in certain places of the wedding ceremony as well, like the closing remarks or before the vows.

From Union by Robert Fulghum
You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you shall say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same.

For after today you shall say to the world –
This is my husband. This is my wife.

From The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
Love one another
But make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
Between the shores of your souls
Fill each other’s cup
But drink not from the same cup
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of the lute are alone
Though they quiver with the same music
Give your hearts
But not into each other’s keeping
For only the hand of life
Can contain your hearts
And stand together
Yet not too near together
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress
Grow not in each other’s shadow.

From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

from The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilferd Arlan Peterson
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the “little” things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say, ”I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is having a mutual sense of values, and common objectives.
It is standing together and facing the world.
It is forming a circle that gathers in the whole family.
It is speaking words of appreciation, and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is not only marrying the right person — it is being the right partner.

The Confirmation by Edwin Muir
Yes, yours, my love, is the right human face.
In my mind I had waited for this long,
Seeing the false and searching for the true,
Then found you as a traveler finds a place of welcome
suddenly amid the wrong valleys and rocks and twisting roads.
But you, what shall I call you? A fountain in a waste,
A well of water in a country dry,
Or anything that’s honest and good,
an eye that makes the whole world bright.
Your open heart, simple with giving, gives the primal deed,
The first good world, the blossom, the blowing seed,
The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea.
Not beautiful or rare in every part.
But like yourself, as they were meant to be.

From Plato’s Symposium
Humans have never understood the power of Love, for if they had they would surely have built noble temples and altars and offered solemn sacrifices; but this is not done, and most certainly ought to be done, since Love is our best friend, our helper, and the healer of the ills which prevent us from being happy.

To understand the power of Love, we must understand that our original human nature was not like it is now, but different. Human beings each had two sets of arms, two sets of legs, and two faces looking in opposite directions. Due to the power and might of these original humans, the Gods began to fear that their reign might be threatened. They sought for a way to end the humans’  insolence without destroying them.

It was at this point that Zeus divided the humans in half. After the division the two parts of each desiring their other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one. So ancient is the desire of one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, making one of two, and healing the state of humankind.

Each of us when separated, having one side only, is but the indenture of a person, and we are always looking for our other half. And when one of us meets our other half, we are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment. We pass our whole lives together, desiring that we should be melted into one, to spend our lives as one person instead of two, and so that after our death there will be one departed soul instead of two; this is the very expression of our ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called Love.

From Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness. We pardon to the extent that we love.

Love is knowing that even when you are alone, you will never be lonely again. And great happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves. And even loved in spite of ourselves.

Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Falling in love is like owning a dog by Taylor Mali
First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you
until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

From Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky

From The Irrational Season by Madeleine L’Engle
But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. It is indeed a fearful gamble. Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. It takes a lifetime to learn another person. When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

Love by Roy Croft
I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda (one of my all time favorite poems!)
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close

Tin Wedding Whistle by Ogden Nash
Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,

Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.

Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;

Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.

Visitors remark my frown
Where you’re upstairs and I am down,

Yes, and I’m afraid I pout
When I’m indoors and you are out;

But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.

In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it’s with me.

In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.

Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.

When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you’re alive,

And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.

Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.

Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.

Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;

Let none, not even you, disparage
Such valid reason for a marriage.

Notes on Marriage (Made When Deciding Whether or Not to Marry) by Charles Darwin
Not Marry?

Freedom to go where one liked
Choice of society and little of it.
Conversation of clever men at clubs.
Not forced to visit relatives, and to bend to every trifle…
To have the expense and anxiety of children – perhaps quarreling.
Loss of time – cannot read in the evenings.
Fatness and idleness.
Anxiety and responsibility.
Less money for books.
If many children, forced to gain one’s bread (but then it is very bad for one’s health to work too much).
Perhaps my wife won’t like London, then the sentence is banishment and degradation with indolent, idle fool.

Marry?
Children (if it please God)
Constant companion, who will feel interested in one (a friend in old age)
Object to be beloved and played with – better than a dog anyhow
Home, and someone to take care of house
Charms of music and female chit chat – these things good for ones health but terrible loss of time
My God, it is unthinkable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, and nothing after all.
No, no, won’t do.
Imagine living all one’s days solitarily in smoky dirty London House.
Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, and books, and music perhaps – compare this vision with dingy reality.
Marry! Marry! Marry!

The wedding that really kicked this trend off... Monica + Chandler get married by their friend Joey on 'Friends'

Now, for this post, I’m going to make the following assumptions about the friend you’re asking to officiate:

They’ve never written a ceremony before.
They’ve never officiated at a ceremony before.
They’ve been to an average amount of weddings in their life.
They are a good public speaker.

PRO: You’re not having a stranger standing up there on the most important part of your life.
CON: Your friend has never done a wedding before, and may get nervous, or, because they are a part of your life, may get over emotional.

PRO: You can work closely with them to write your ceremony, or even write it yourself.
CON: Writing your ceremony is a lot of work.  It’s sometimes hard when you have a friend officiate to figure out who is going to write the ceremony… if the bride and groom write it, the officiant may feel like they are simply reading from a script because it’s not their words (especially hard for non-pros).  If the officiant writes it, it may not be as strong a ceremony as a pro-officiant could write, and may not have as much personal relevance as if the bride and groom wrote it.

PRO: It’s a great way to involve someone else in the wedding.
CON: As with many DIY projects (and, yes, having a friend officiate is a DIY project in my book), a great deal of responsibility can fall on the bride and groom during the wedding itself.  A friend officiant may not insist on being mic or be able to provide a PA system if the DJ or venue can’t… a friend officiant probably won’t know how to run a rehearsal, which can lead to this falling on the bride or groom… a friend officiant may not double check to see if the rings and other props for the ceremony are in place and have a back up for them, just in case.

PRO: It’s comforting to have a friend up there, and great to be able to share this important moment with someone who is a part of your life.
CON: It’s sometimes hard to figure out where the line of “friend” and “officiant” begin and end.  Make sure you communicate with your DIY officiant about what you want and expect from them.  Will they be writing the ceremony?  Should they bring a copy of the ceremony with them?  Do you want them to bring your vows and the readings?  Who will set up the props before the ceremony?  Who will run the rehearsal?  Are they expecting any kind of compensation or payment?  Are you paying for their travel expenses and hotel room?  What are they going to wear?

My favorite friend ordained TV wedding! Lily + Marshall, solemnized by their friend Barney on 'How I Met Your Mother'

PRO: The bride and groom are from mixed religious backgrounds, or don’t have religious beliefs, and did not want someone from a church solemnizing their marriage.
CON: There are non-religious professional officiants / Celebrants out there

PRO: FREE!  Or reasonably cheap.
CON: As with many DIY wedding elements, this is big – having a friend officiate not only adds a great personal touch, but it is usually much cheaper than hiring someone to do it.  The only CON to this PRO is that, sometimes, you do get what you pay for – make sure you choose your friend-officiant with lots of thought, and clearly define the lines of their role.

PRO: You can get ordained on the internet now!  Just click and you can do weddings!
CON: Internet ordainment is not recognized in every state.  PLEASE check with your town hall / registrar to make sure that internet ministers ARE legal before you go ahead with a friend doing your wedding.  In some states, there are additional requirements that can be circumvented a bit – and in some, it’s as simple as registering with the state.  Do your homework to make sure your wedding is legal!

I got into this whole wedding Celebrant business because a friend asked me to officiate at her wedding.  I wasn’t a Celebrant then, I was just her wedding obsessed roommate who had witnessed her entire relationship with her husband unfold, from the first day they met to the moment they broke the glass at their wedding.  It was a huge honor, but a HUGE undertaking, and I want to make sure that couple who ask their friends to officiate understand what a large part of the wedding this is, and how much work it can really be.

The ‘Friends’ wedding is actually a good example… how would you feel if your friend-officiant showed up in a vintage military uniform and opened your wedding ceremony with this?

Joey: Dearly beloved, I’m sorry I’m a little late. You may be confused by this now, but you won’t be, Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again.  I’ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I’ve left my notes in my dressing room. We shall proceed to the vows.

from http://www.jkweddingdance.com/

A few months ago, Richard Newton posted about keeping the gravitas in your wedding ceremony (specifically a response to the viral JK Wedding Entrance video that made the rounds this summer).  I do agree with him – there should be a level of “serious dignity” involved in your wedding ceremony – but, if you want it to go hand in hand with fun, lightness, and humor, than it can!  My absolute favorite moment in that video is towards the end, when the bride dances herself down the aisle – and her groom, already at the altar, dances back down to meet her half way.  Then, together, arm in arm, they make there way to the altar together.  It’s a sweet moment that made me cry the first time I watched the video.  It made it clear to me that even though Jill and Kevin were having this super fun, humor-filled, spontaneous moment in their wedding – their marriage and their relationship (probably built on a great deal of humor and light) was still incredibly important to them – there, in the middle of the dancing, was their gravitas.  As I posted in a comment on Richard’s blog post:

I have to respectfully disagree. I think that the entrance wasn’t disrespectful or taking the wedding ceremony at all lightly – in fact, we don’t get to see any of their ceremony, so we can’t make assumptions of what they did with it. But at the end, where she dances herself down the aisle, and he comes to meet her halfway? There’s emotion, there is seriousness, and there is a quiet dignity of knowing that this is how they wanted to begin their wedding ceremony – with friends, music, and laughter.

There is a place for gravitas in a wedding ceremony, but there is also a place for humor, whimsy, and light. All in equal measure.

When I meet with couples to discuss their wedding ceremonies for our initial consultation, I always ask if they want to include any rituals in their wedding ceremony – and I also offer to write them one of their own, working with them to finding meaningfully elements within their relationship that we can easily translate into a ritual.

For example, I met with a couple recently, and we discussed including a wine sharing ceremony.  When we started to talk about what wine to use, it became clear that one preferred red and one preferred white.  What a perfect way to bring the symbolism of the wine ceremony to another step – that the bride and the groom would each take a sip of a glass of white wine and a glass of red wine, to show that they will make an effort to share in each other’s lives, interests, and always be open to compromise!

(source)

Another recent meeting had us discussing combining a sweets sharing ritual with a wine sharing ritual.  A few days later, I stumbled upon this post on Weddingbee that talked about just that!  Miss Lovebug and her husband shared a glass of wine and some dark chocolate – representing the good times (the sweet red wine) and the harder times (the bitter chocolate).  And her officiant said it better than I could have, in regards to finding the gravitas in a new ritual:

When we explained this to our officiant, she told us about a couple who built a ritual around the blending of chocolate and peanut butter. Seriously. We were incredulous, too, but she explained that it was a way for that particular couple to express the bond they were forming. She said something like that won’t work for people who find it silly and are only half-heartedly into it – but a couple with sincere intentions can inject meaning and gravity into any ritual they design. It’s a matter of being genuine about it.

If you have sincere intentions, and find meaning in something – it can be a ritual.  Seriously.  Want a crazy example?

My mom doesn’t really understand the sand unity ritual.  To her, it seems more like creating layered sand art at the fair (do you remember doing that as a kid?).  She has never been to a wedding where a couple has done a sand ceremony, just heard me talk about it, and just doesn’t get it.  She always joked about it, calling it a Spin Art ceremony (another fun fair activity from my childhood).

So for the holidays, she gave me a Spin Art kit.  And Dan and I thought about including a spin art unity ritual in our wedding ceremony.

via blockpressparty on flickr

Why not?  It would be fun!  We love fun!  It would create a lasting memento that we could frame and date on the back to remember our wedding day.  We would each choose a color to drip onto the spinning paper, merging our two color together and creating a fun pattern that would represent the merging of our lives.  We approached it with a certain amount of reverence (and a certain amount of fun!), and could honestly find a way to create meaning, relevant to our lives and our relationship, with it.

I also love this description, from Spin Art’s Wikipedia page:

Since the canvas is usually rotating at a high rate of speed, it is difficult if not impossible to view the image on the canvas until the platform has stopped spinning, thus creating a sense of surprise and uncertainty during the creation process.

Creating a sense of surprise and uncertainty before the piece of art is revealed?  That sounds relevant and meaningful to me.

We’re still on the fence about it, mostly because I’m going to be wearing this really nice dress, and there’s a little note on the side of the Spin Art box that says “Do not get near fabric that cannot be laundered” (eek!).  I’ve considered whipping out a smock or apron to put on over my dress, but I’m still just a teensy bit too concerned about the possible stains.  So right now, we’re going to do a test run, maybe find some paint that may be a bit easier to get out of a dress with some water.

via blockpressparty on flickr

You can create ritual out of everything.  Whatever is meaningful to you can be treated with the dignity and serious nature it deserves to become it’s own tradition and it’s own ritual.  Don’t be afraid to use your Celebrant as a guide, and to think outside of the box when it comes to including rituals in your wedding ceremony.